It was also one of the first paintings where I experimented with oil paint. I was mostly testing, learning and figuring things out, but I never really liked where the painting was going. So it ended up standing unfinished for a long time.
Until one day I looked at it and thought: fuck it, I’m spraying over it.
That day I wasn't feeling great. I felt used, overwhelmed and emotionally triggered. My head had gone heavily into what I call ego mode.
It felt like my thoughts were becoming so loud that they were sitting on top of what I was actually feeling.
The strange thing was that I wanted to feel more. But whenever I allowed myself to really feel something, it suddenly became too intense. Then my mind would jump back in and try to shut everything down again.
Feel too much.
Think too much.
Stop feeling.
Try to feel again.
It became a strange emotional rollercoaster.
Instead of trying to make the painting beautiful, I decided to put that state directly onto the canvas.
I sprayed over parts of the original work and started writing down thoughts exactly as they came into my head. Black and white words appeared over the colourful background thoughts about distrust, feeling used, paranoia and not really knowing who or what to believe.
For me, that contrast became important.
The colour underneath represents the feeling that was already there.
The black and white writing became the mind — or the ego — coming over it, trying to analyse, protect, judge and control everything.
And somewhere in the middle of all that chaos appeared this cat smoking a joint.
Which obviously a cat probably shouldn't be doing.
Its eyes are huge, it looks completely overwhelmed, and its head is way too loud.
The joint also plays with the idea of paranoia: something that might make you relax can sometimes do exactly the opposite and make every thought suddenly feel ten times louder.
So even though the painting looks funny and absurd at first, underneath it is a very real moment of emotional overload.
A moment where feeling and thinking were fighting for space inside the same head.
Maybe the cat doesn't really know what is happening anymore.
Neither did I.
And maybe that is exactly what Ladybuggs 2.0 is about.
